A ninth grader spends lunch alone. There may be people she could sit with, but walking up to the table feels complicated. Is there room? Would she be interrupting? What would she say once she sat down?
By the time she’s thought it through, eating by herself seems easier.
Her parents remember freshman year being awkward, too. They want to reassure her that everyone feels this way at first. But she’s coming home exhausted, dreading lunch the next day, and turning down invitations from people she seems to like. They’re starting to wonder whether something more is going on.
For some teens, the social demands of high school are harder than their families expected. The pandemic may be part of that story, although the timing matters. Today’s freshmen were generally in elementary school when shutdowns began. Their disruptions came earlier, during years when friendships, playground disagreements, and everyday classroom interactions were giving them practice being around other people.
They’ve had years back in school since then. Still, being back in a classroom doesn’t necessarily mean every child has caught up socially or feels comfortable there.
They Missed The Ordinary
Think about how much children learn in the moments adults barely notice: joining a game already in progress, realizing a joke hurt someone’s feelings, disagreeing with a friend and seeing them again the next morning.
Those experiences give kids opportunities to work through discomfort while the stakes are relatively small. During shutdowns, many had fewer chances to do that. Screens helped them stay connected, but a group chat couldn’t replace everything happening in a classroom or on a playground.
Research supported by the National Institute of Mental Health found that adolescents assessed after pandemic shutdowns reported more anxiety and depression than comparable peers assessed beforehand. Researchers also found differences in brain structure. The study doesn’t prove that missed social practice caused those changes, but it does suggest that the disruption went beyond a temporary interruption to school.
“Just Put Yourself Out There” May Be Too Big an Ask
An older sibling might have joined a club, found a few friends, and settled in. It’s understandable for parents to suggest the same approach again.
But “go talk to someone” can be a surprisingly large assignment for a teen who doesn’t know how to enter a conversation or worries about every pause afterward. They may want friends very much and still avoid situations where friendship could happen.
It helps to find out where they get stuck. Do they struggle to start a conversation? Are they comfortable one-on-one but lost in a group? Has something happened with their friends that they haven’t told you about?
Those questions usually lead somewhere more useful than another reminder to be confident.
Pay Attention to What Makes the Day Difficult
A teen can text friends all evening and still struggle to spend time with them in person. They might enjoy class but dread the passing period afterward, when everyone seems to know where to go and who to walk with.
You may notice that your teen:
- Comes home drained after days with a lot of social interaction.
- Frequently worries that someone is annoyed with them.
- Uses text to handle disagreements they find difficult to discuss in person.
- Says being alone is “easier,” even while expressing loneliness.
- Feels comfortable during a structured activity but anxious before or after it.
These patterns don’t tell you the cause on their own. They do give you something specific to ask about. “How was lunch today?” may open up a conversation that “Why don’t you hang out with anyone?” shuts down.
Start With Something Manageable
If a crowded school event feels impossible, start smaller. Having one friend over to make dinner or joining an activity with a clear purpose may give a teen a more comfortable way to spend time with peers.
Let them help choose the next step. Afterward, resist the urge to turn it into a performance review. Ask whether they enjoyed themselves, what felt awkward, and whether they’d like to do it again. Leave room for an imperfect afternoon to still count as progress.
If social distress is leading to missed school, persistent isolation, worsening mood, or substance use, arrange a professional assessment. A teen’s difficulties deserve attention without assuming the pandemic explains all of them.
Sustain Recovery’s adolescent mental health program provides support for teens facing mental health challenges. For those also struggling with substance use, dual diagnosis treatment addresses both concerns, with families involved through the family program.
For parents, a useful place to begin is often a simple question: “Which part of the day do you wish you could skip?” Give them time to answer. It may tell you more than asking whether school was good.
